Forum Index
ViVa's pilot forum
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Flash chat

Tools Explained For The Handyman In Most Of Us

Post new topic   Reply to topic Forum Index -> Pilots Lounge
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Serious Forum Addict...

Joined: 04 Jun 2004
Posts: 11887
Location: Mt Maunganui, New Zealand

PostPosted: Sat May 27, 2017 6:01 am    Post subject: Tools Explained For The Handyman In Most Of Us Reply with quote

WARNING Exclamation Exclamation

Swallow the coffee or beer you've just put into your mouth otherwise you'll have a wet screen and shorted key board Razz Laughing Laughing

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeow sheeeet...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool used most often by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. Also useful for removing that unused left hand because your right handed....after it catches a nail in a piece of wood you are cutting it swiftly jerks your arm into it nearly amputating your hand.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

SAW-ZALL: Another handy cutting tool based on the Ouija board principle. Works great for turning into a jackhammer when it binds up as well.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "Son of a BITCH!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

MECHANIC’S TOOL CHEST: Typically used for hiding those stale cigarettes from your wife. Also a home for every wrench and socket except the one you need.

CRAFTSMAN SOCKETS: Also known as bearing, bushing, seal and U-joint drivers. Easily exchanged anywhere in the country when they become too beat up to use.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. Also a tool used to compress brake calipers, TILL it slips out of the caliper and you punch yourself, then realize it’s the hardest punch you have ever received. In a pinch it can be used for breaking expensive parts near the part you are trying to free.

PROPANE “PLUMBERS” TORCH: Since it is about useless for anything else, it is usually kept handy for lighting the burn barrel in the winter as well as those stale garage cigarettes.

4 1/2" ANGLE GRINDER: great for destroying anything you were trying to fix, also has an added bonus that if the disk gets stuck the tool will free it's self with a great amount of energy... this is extremely helpful for knocking out the person running the tool as is smashes into your head. Also quite handy for zipping off the tip of your finger even through heavy gloves. I was cutting a car in half with the 4 1/2" grinder when the blade got pinched and it smacked me in the head hard enough to knock me out..

HAYNES/CHILTON MANUAL: Containing roughly half of the information you might need, it also excels at sopping up spilled oil – thus rendering it even more useless.

4-FOOT CHEATER PIPE: Useful for snapping off bolt heads as well as breaking sockets and ratchets. Also useful for damaging expensive parts or causing personal injury when something breaks.

BLACK SPRAY PAINT: A mechanic’s best friend – an excellent way to make old parts appear to be new replacement parts.

RATCHETING WRENCH: An improved knuckle-buster.

AIR-POWERED NIBBLER: An excellent way to convert sheet metal into tiny metal shards that cover your shop floor.

FLOOR CREEPER: Used by fashion conscious mechanics as a hair piece when their ponytail is permanently wrapped around the wheel 7 times.

"Will fly Cargo - Anywhere - Anytime"
AOPA Member since 1988
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Serious Forum Addict...

Joined: 09 Mar 2005
Posts: 3867
Location: Sidney, B.C.

PostPosted: Sat May 27, 2017 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing

A lot of truth in that...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Serious Forum Addict...

Joined: 08 Jul 2007
Posts: 6779
Location: Langley BC

PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2017 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Love em . . .especially the one about a hammer . . . . Shocked Shocked

"beware the granite overcast"

Intel Core i7 - Western Digital 64mb Hard drive - MS Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit O/S - Gigabyte GeForce GTX 760 Video card FS9 - FSX
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Junior Flight Poster

Joined: 13 Aug 2014
Posts: 39

PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Having been a master technician for a really long time (some 50 years) I can testify to the accuracy of the above descriptions when they apply to my trade of choice.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic Forum Index -> Pilots Lounge All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group